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X Files: Molder, where are you? 2008-07-26

Dear readers, tonight we will discuss one of the most famous SF series during 90-ties or so. This section of my blog where I bitch about movies (and now, series) is called by me something like "Movie Scrapbook" and I write about new or interesting movies. So why a almost two-decades old series that ended here?

Maybe because it was visionary and foresaw things to come. So, to skip to the chase: you all watched ad least couple of episodes and have some pretty good idea what it is all about. I will not speak of plot, characters, paychecks or trivia about witch actor banged who behind the scene. What I will talk about is 5 things you might noticed yourself. Don't know about you, but those things annoyed me as hell, and at the end (some 30-40 painful episodes later) made my decision to ditch watching this crap.

  1. There is no conclusion or explanation at the end.

    First episode kicked ass. Classic UFO sighting, some Air Force base, a plot that spawned and breastfed every geek that dreamed about alien spaceships. And the end of the first episode, pretty no-ending and no explanation. Perfect teaser! God, we were hooked to watch more of it! But some X episodes later, where most of them ended pretty much the same, I started to wonder - do this director guy have a clue how to explain this bunch of crap that keeps piling and piling when they end it or they are just making it up as they go like some soap opera, without any disregard to any master plan or leading idea? Well I guess he don't. They were just pumping new episode after new and each screenwriter John Doe that watched X-Files felt qualified and up to writing the next one.

  2. "Molder, where are you?"

    Why in the Gods name, each time Scully calls Molder on his cell phone (or other way around) first thing that bitch says is that stupid question? Are they married and Molder is a Fox of a cheater? Does Molder owes some money to her and she lives in constant fear of him running away with it? It never figured to me, but what did is that my stomach makes a U turn each time they go on the phone and I hear those stinky words.

  3. Dumb ass I-don't-believe-it-bitch Scully.

    Well, speaking of Scully, whats with her and I am scientist and don't believe anything attitude? Why she was only alien abducted, impregnated, attacked, almost killed, alien cancer infested then cured, recruited to alien Socialist party, had a triple sex change and learned to levitate (float in air for you brainless) and after each episode she encountered anything from listed above (give or take few thing that might not happened, who would remember it all), in the new one, when she and Molder meet some new pseudo-explainable event (like plants that eat meat - dough!) she goes again: "Molder, that is impossible!". Does she has something like amnesia or what? She should watch her older episodes, really.

  4. Gimme one more funeral, please!

    Whats that all about funerals on TV? Why every American movie or episode needs to have one funeral with greafed relatives and ironed suits (don't forget American flag! It is most important!) for viewers to feel touched in their sentimental/emotional/patriotic/whatever button? Can't they like spent more time with their loved ones or go bear hunting with only a fork to feel roused by anger or fear like that? Guess not.

  5. Can You spot a human among all those androids?

    Which brings me to next thing about all characters in X-Files that act so emotional freezers. Man, they are stiff as androids. They are such asshole synonyms of brainless mediocrity. Like they came from assembly line of android factory. Pedestrians from Carmageddon showed more human personality and intelligence and less I-am-collateral-damage-pleas-kill-me attitude than all the characters in X-Files together. Well, I guess that is what directors of needed in series. A lot of cannon fodder. And if you wonder are there any humans - yep. There is, only one. Molder. And he acts like human, occasionally.

So, after realizing this 5 points as reason why am I getting annoyed more with each new episode, I decided to ditch this shit. And if I had nukes, I would fry that X-Files universe. Scullys last words? Something along lines "Ringgg... Molder where are you? What...? It is not scientifically possible for us to be virtual character in a movie! I don't believe it! Wait... What is that bright line coming down from the sky...?". Wooooosh. Bright mushroom. And a big funeral for billions of boring androids.

Now that is what I call conclusion and a happy end.

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